Love Note from the U.S. Department of Education

Dear Deadbeat,

This office is writing in reference to your repeated requests for forbearance on your student loans. We have been more than happy to grant your petitions due to the outrageous interest that accrues during these periods, but don't you think this is getting a little ridiculous? To date, your current debt is approximately $12,000 give or take a grand; chump change compared to the hundreds of thousands of dollars owed to us by professional students at the end of their educational careers.

Considering the paltry nature of this sum, we advise you to begin making some sort of effort to settle this debt. In light of you having completed your education instead of pissing your loan away like so many of our other victims. . . . er. . . . clients, we highly suggest you cease and desist in the continuing series of crap jobs that have rendered you unable to submit payment.

In today's competitive job market, we understand the difficulty that you may be encountering in identifying viable career options and are pleased to inform you that there are scads of opportunities in the exotic dancing and pornographic motion picture industries, both with exciting potential for expansion into the wonderful world of prostitution.

Of course, by no means are we attempting to add any undue stress to what is already a walk-into-the-office-and-blow-everyone-away life situation. We simply have our. . . .er. . . your best interests in mind. As you are probably aware, our office is dedicated to providing the highest quality of service. After all, you've paid for it. . . . or you will. . . . because we'll make you.

As an informative aside, U.S. citizens who have obtained student loans are no longer permitted to dissolve the debt by declaring bankruptcy. In cases of financial hardship, we are amenable to extending multiple deferments on your loans. Confidentially, however, we advise you not to go this route. Though we will extend these deferments indefinitely, we are not above hounding your immediate family after you have faked your death. Conversely, some of our clients do experience continued difficulty in satisfying their payment obligations and late or non-payment is unacceptable. We don't care if you are living in a box in an alley. We will put a lien on your box.

In conclusion, we are more than willing to make payment arrangements tailored to your specific needs. Please contact us if you would like a list of approved pawn shops or blood donation outlets. If you have any questions or concerns, a dumb-ass automated system is available 24-hours, 7 days a week or you can speak with one live operator for roughly 55 minutes a day from 1:00 p.m-1:55 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. Alternately, you can contact us by mail. Response time is 6-8 weeks. Thank you for your time and we look forward to sucking you dry for the next ten years.

Best Regards,

U.S. Department of Education

P.S. Don't forget: WE KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!

Sandwich Gravy

So, I'm watching t.v. the other day and an Arby's commercial comes on advertising one of their many tasty, artery-clogging sandwiches. I don't recall which one it was, but it was one of the ones that comes with an au jus dipping sauce.

Now, some may be wondering what exactly "au jus" is. Unless you're a food geek, this may not be part of your vernacular. According to Wikipedia, au jus is French for "with [its own] juice". Jus is the juice itself. In French cuisine, jus is a natural way to enhance the flavour of dishes, mainly chicken, veal and lamb.

Sounds good, right? Problem is, Arby's is not exactly a high class dining establishment. Frankly, I'd be surprised if there weren't deep fried critters in with the curly fries or if the special
"seasoning" on them doesn't just come from the fries being dropped on the floor.

More likely than not, the use of the term au jus is clever marketing ploy to make Arby's sandwiches sound yummier and, to the consumer subconscious, fancier.

Yeah, 'cause nothing says "high class" like processed cheese and meat that may or may not actually be roast beef.

Now, don't get me wrong. I like Arby's (but then I also like White Castle, so that's not really saying much). I don't knock them for trying to push their product any way they can. After all, shoving products down the consumer gullet ad nauseum is the American way. The issue I have with the fast food version of au jus is the second part of Wikipedia's definition:

"Often prepared in the United States is a seasoned sauce with several additional flavourings. American recipes au jus often use soy sauce, Worcestershire sauce, salt, pepper, white or brown sugar, garlic, onion, or other ingredients to make something more like a gravy."

The key word there is "gravy". Gravy! Fast food au jus is, in essence, sandwich gravy. Because that's just what a sandwich made of cheese and (alleged) red meat needs, right? Gravy.

I won't pretend like I'm the poster child for healthy eating. . . not unless Ramen, cheesecake and red No. 40 are part of the major food groups now, but there's just something wrong about gravy on a sandwich. Kind of like that bacon cheeseburger made of donuts (here). Bacon cheeseburgers are great. Donuts are great. But they don't belong together.

I mean, you can see through an Arby's bag by the time you get home when there's just a regular sandwich in there. Do we really want to throw gravy into that mix? It's worse that putting ranch dressing on a deli sandwich. A deli sandwich can actually be pretty healthy if you put the right things on it. Ranch dressing destroys it. Actually, ranch dressing destroys everything it's on. The fat content is astronomical. Now imagine putting something like that on a sandwich that is already a cardiovascular nightmare. May as well book your triple bypass now.

Personally, I believe American au jus and ranch dressing are a conspiracies cooked up by good people that bring you "insert-any-fad-diet-name-here". I mean, they gotta move those books somehow. And it totally makes sense that not eating bread will make up for sucking down milkshakes for ten years. Right?

Right.