Love Note from the U.S. Department of Education

Dear Deadbeat,

This office is writing in reference to your repeated requests for forbearance on your student loans. We have been more than happy to grant your petitions due to the outrageous interest that accrues during these periods, but don't you think this is getting a little ridiculous? To date, your current debt is approximately $12,000 give or take a grand; chump change compared to the hundreds of thousands of dollars owed to us by professional students at the end of their educational careers.

Considering the paltry nature of this sum, we advise you to begin making some sort of effort to settle this debt. In light of you having completed your education instead of pissing your loan away like so many of our other victims. . . . er. . . . clients, we highly suggest you cease and desist in the continuing series of crap jobs that have rendered you unable to submit payment.

In today's competitive job market, we understand the difficulty that you may be encountering in identifying viable career options and are pleased to inform you that there are scads of opportunities in the exotic dancing and pornographic motion picture industries, both with exciting potential for expansion into the wonderful world of prostitution.

Of course, by no means are we attempting to add any undue stress to what is already a walk-into-the-office-and-blow-everyone-away life situation. We simply have our. . . .er. . . your best interests in mind. As you are probably aware, our office is dedicated to providing the highest quality of service. After all, you've paid for it. . . . or you will. . . . because we'll make you.

As an informative aside, U.S. citizens who have obtained student loans are no longer permitted to dissolve the debt by declaring bankruptcy. In cases of financial hardship, we are amenable to extending multiple deferments on your loans. Confidentially, however, we advise you not to go this route. Though we will extend these deferments indefinitely, we are not above hounding your immediate family after you have faked your death. Conversely, some of our clients do experience continued difficulty in satisfying their payment obligations and late or non-payment is unacceptable. We don't care if you are living in a box in an alley. We will put a lien on your box.

In conclusion, we are more than willing to make payment arrangements tailored to your specific needs. Please contact us if you would like a list of approved pawn shops or blood donation outlets. If you have any questions or concerns, a dumb-ass automated system is available 24-hours, 7 days a week or you can speak with one live operator for roughly 55 minutes a day from 1:00 p.m-1:55 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. Alternately, you can contact us by mail. Response time is 6-8 weeks. Thank you for your time and we look forward to sucking you dry for the next ten years.

Best Regards,

U.S. Department of Education

P.S. Don't forget: WE KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!