Dear Daytime T.V. . .

I don't know quite how to say this. We've been together for a long time, but. . . . I think it's time we went our separate ways. Wait. . . . let me finish.

I remember when I first saw you. In second grade, the teacher used to bring the t.v. into the classroom so we could watch Sesame Street while we ate lunch. I think that's when it began, when I started to fall in love with you. Then there were all those youthful summers when I discovered everything you had to offer: gameshows, soap operas, 8 gazillion talk shows, reruns of classic t.v. During the school year, I used to look forward to holidays and sick days where we could spend time together; just you, me and Jerry Springer.

But lately, Daytime t.v.. . . . . you've changed. I don't feel like I know you at all anymore. *sigh* I guess it all began when the soap operas started recycling story lines. I was willing to let that slide and did for quite a while. I mean, we've been together so long, Daytime t.v,. and relationships are all about give and take. I figured that you were just going through a rough patch and I just needed to hang in there while you took some time to get yourself together.

Then every Maury Povich Show started being about paternity test results. I really wasn't happy about that, but I didn't know how to tell you. I guess you thought you were doing the right thing and giving me what I wanted. I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

But, Daytime t.v., when Bob Barker retired from The Price is Right, I knew we had a problem. It was like you didn't care what I wanted, like you were going to do any old thing you pleased and to hell with me.

It was all down hill from there what with the proliferation of courtroom shows and random B-list celebrity talk shows. There are no more cartoons in the afternoons. Mr. Rogers is gone AND you changed the theme song to Sesame Street. Wtf? Also, who in hell is Judge Karen? It's not like there aren't enough judges already. What's happening to you, Daytime t.v.?!

*Cry* I thought long and hard about this decision before I made it. After much soul searching, I truly think it's the right thing to do. I just don't care about you the way I used to anymore. I love you but I'm not IN love with you. We're different people now and it's time we moved on from each other. I-I. . . . I'm seeing Netflix now.

I know you may not wanna hear this, but you'll find someone else. Someone who'll love you the way you deserve to be loved. Please don't make this harder for me by begging. Yes, I know Inside Edition is still on, but that's just not good enough for me anymore. We can still be friends. I'll come by and see you every now and again.

For now, I just want to remember the good times. . . . The Bozo Show, Jenny Jones, Let's Make a Deal, Oprah (when she was good). . . .

Trust me, it's better this way.