Nursing Homes: For When You Want Someone to Care of Your Elderly, But Don't Want It To Be You

My grandmother has had three debilitating strokes. Before them, she was a spry lady in her 60s. She gardened, concocted all sorts of homemade goodies, attended church regularly. Each successive stroke took away more and more of her independence. Primarily homebound before her last stroke, if she survives this latest (and most devastating one) it is a certainty that she will never be able to live alone again.

And so the debate has begun among her offspring and grandoffspring regarding what may potentially be done regarding her future. Of course, home care is preferred by all involved, but private home care is expensive and medicare is cheaper than a two-dollar whore when it comes to springing for, well. . . anything. Gotta love that bargain basement medical insurance. Verily, it is the Costco of health care; only the government jacks a lot more than $100 a year out of everyone's check to pay for it. You would think we could at least get a complementary crate of generic Vicodin at that price, but noo-oooo. . .

Anyway, since none of us are living a swimming-pool/movie-stars liftstyle at the moment and Medicare will only pay for a caregiver for 20 minutes every six months, some mention has naturally been made of *gasp* a nursing home.

Now, to some people, a nursing facility doesn't really sound like a bad idea. But where some people hear "assisted living" and think of smiling nurses leading elderly sing-a-longs in a sunny rec room, I associate it with being locked in your room until you die.

Ok, so that might be a bit of an exaggeration. But I only had to visit someone in a nursing home once to know that I would never allow any of my loved ones to be plopped in there, let alone ever find myself one. Frankly, I'd rather be taken out back and shot Old Yeller style. Much quicker and less boring.

I mean, let's think about it for a second. This isn't "retirement" as some folks would phrase it. Retirement is when you stop working and start arguing with clerks at the grocery store about 10 cent coupons on $3 items then go home and go to sleep at 7pm because you don't have anything else to do. It's when you drive 30 mph everywhere you go because you're not in any particular hurry to get anywhere anymore. Retirement is not being shoved away like some ugly Christmas sweater and forgotten about until someone wonders aloud about whatever happened to that sweater they gave you.

Now some people might argue that this isn't their intention at all, that its all about the welfare of their elderly loved one. Pfft. Let someone hand you that line in about 40 years when you're trapped in a place that won't let you have salt and see how you like it.

It's one thing if a family is just not equipped to care for their relative, quite another if they feel like they're just too busy. Somewhere n the midst of everyday life, we all find enough time to do ten or twenty meaningless things. You mean to tell me we can't find enough time to sponge bath grandpa and make him some dinner? I'm sure there were plenty of times during everyone's childhood where their mom and dad would much rather have been playing Guitar Hero (well, Pac Man if you want to nitpicky about timelines) than helping us with our homework; but hey, you gotta do what you gotta do when you have responsibilities.

Are people so willing to entrust the care of the people that cared for them to total strangers? Now, I'm not trying to knock CNAs and LPNs and other folks that work in nursing homes. I know a couple and it takes a hell of a person to clean up the shit of someone they barely know. But they are underpaid and overworked. The average salary is $20,000 a year. . . IF they're lucky. Baristas at Starbuck's make this without having to change any adult diapers. What the hell is up with our priorities when we pay the same amount of money to the person making our coffee as we do to the person who makes sure grandma doesn't fall and break her hip?

I'm just sayin' is all. . .

One thing is for sure, if I ever end up in a nursing home, my kids are out the will.