Grocery Store Hierarchy

I like going to Target. I probably prefer going to Target over any other store. It's clean,  products are quality and some of them have a Starbucks right in the store. Gotta love that.  However,  they aren't always competitive with other large chain stores.  When I had a good job, it was the first place I went to shop and I hardly ever bothered comparison shopping or coupon clipping.  The last couple years have been a completely different story and I have found myself shopping at places I never shopped at before.  This change in my consumer habits made me realize that there's a grocery store hierarchy that I think most of us unconsciously perpetuate and which is, obviously, dependent upon our current income levels.

Having made this realization, I have ventured to make a list to showcase where the most popular chains lie in order from where you shop when you can afford to shop anywhere down to where you shop when your paydays are marked with a sad face on your calendar.

Top of the list: Whole Foods. I love Whole Foods. Fresh organic produce, the best cuts of meat, all natural selection: what's not to love?  The prices, that's what.  Whole foods is ridiculously expensive.  I've never even tried to get through a whole grocery list here.  I'm not at all interested in spending $400 on groceries that could potentially end up in the garbage if and when they expire.  Actually, I doubt if I could even throw anything from this store in the trash.  The inside of my refrigerator would probably end up looking like a penicillin farm.

Second: Trader Joe's.  Trader Joe's actually has very competitive prices.  They're big on the organic/natural foods and products and they have $2 wine (no, it's not Boone's Farm).  The major issue with them is that their stores and, therefore, their selections, tend to be small. They also have a limited number of locations.  So what you would save in food costs, you'd only lose in gas .  Trying to go to Trader Joe's is like trying to go to Mordor.  I've also not seen one with a parking lot. Can you imagine Frodo and Sam circling Mt. Doom looking for a space?  They'd toss that ring in the nearest trash can fire and go on back home.

Next: Supervalu chains.  These are your Albertsons/Jewel/Cub Food stores. In Illinois, we have Jewel.  Jewel tends to be cheaper than Whole Foods, but some items there can be pricey.  The major difference is less organic stuff and the fact that you can catch good sales to make shopping here worth while sometimes. However, the quality of a Jewel store is highly dependent upon the neighborhood in which it is found. Nice neighborhood = nice Jewel. Meh neighborhood = Meh Jewel. Fucked up neighborhood = fucked up Jewel. That's assuming, of course, that your fucked up neighborhood even has a grocery store. If you're living in a food desert, you're just going to have a corner store where half a gallon of milk costs $7.99 and the only vegetables to be found are in dented cans of spaghetti sauce.

Third: Super Target and Meijer.  I personally like Super Target because it's a one-stop shop. You can get groceries, a vacuum cleaner and some sexy sock monkey pajama pants all in the same store.  But again, some prices can be a bit unreasonable.  I've seen $50 pants here.  For some people, I know this is not a lot.  But for me, I'm not really keen to pay that much for something that is gonna touch my ass. . . unless that something is a 20-year-old with six pack abs.  Some of the food prices can be a little high as well.   I know that not many people consider Target to be  that fancy. To them I say: Go shop at a shitty Wal-Mart and see how nice Target is after that.


Sam's Club and Costco are your mid-tiers.  Not bad if you're feeding/clothing/buying tires for a large family or if you're just the sort of person that likes to buy your mayonnaise by the drum.  Downside here: people like to pack their 8 kids into full-sized vans and take the whole family grocery shopping.  This can be inconvenient for and annoying to people who don't regularly travel in a caravan. I say lock those younger rugrats in a closet for an hour or two and just bring the kids who will not "accidentally" get run over by my shopping cart.

In a class of its own: Wal-mart. I was ethically opposed to shopping here forever.  They're awful on many different levels.  But my ethics were put in time out after my finances imploded.  Bottom line: They're cheap.  But they're cheap because their employees work for chewing gum and pocket lint.  There's  a vague aura of oppression in every store.  The produce in here is questionable sometimes.  Here's a clue Wal-mart employees: fuzzy peaches = normal.  Fuzzy oranges = not normal.  Then, too,  customers at Wal-mart can be. . . colorful. Think demolition derby crowd meets Freaknik crowd with a Marilyn Manson concert thrown in for good measure. Yeah. . .  And the decor is like being in a 30-year-old Sears. I've been to one nice Wal-mart.  All the rest of them are a mess.

Piggly Wiggly and Kroger: I haven't seen these two outside of the South, but I'm not exactly well-travelled. They're actually less depressing than being at Wal-mart and they carry name brand foods. The only reason I  put them below Walmart on the list is because I've seen these located in strip malls and sometimes their parking lots are so unkempt that the stores look abandoned. Hookers could possibly be blowing people in cars there at night.

Last and Least: Save-a-Lot and Aldi.  I'm not looking down on anyone that has shopped at either of these.  I have shopped at both of them. You gotta do what you gotta do.  They carry some name brand items, but they overwhelmingly carry name brand ripoffs.  Now, there's nothing wrong with off brands.  I repeat: THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH OFF BRANDS.  However. . .

Well, you know when you start eating something. . . .? And you slowly realize it tastes funny. . .?  Then you start chewing slower. . .?  Then you you start checking out the ingredients on the box. . ?  Save-a-Lot and Aldi are notorious for those what-the-fuck-is-in-this tastes to their off brands.  What you initially save on the grocery bill can often be cancelled out by what you end up tossing out. It's like stuffing money in a stripper's g-string.  Initially you feel good about it, but ultimately, you just wish you had that $5 back.  If I didn't know better, I'd swear they were selling us soylent green (brownie points to anyone that gets that reference).  Fun fact: Save-a-Lot is one of Supervalu's bastard children.

Honorable mentions: K-mart and Dominicks (Illinois only) If you ever go in K-mart, all the employees have dead eyes. I'm rather surprised that chain is still hanging on. And Dominick's seems to be under the impression that they are Whole Foods.  They have gone insane with their prices in recent years. Dear Dominick's: if you have stores in the 'hood, you are not Whole Foods. Get your shit together.