Ladies: It's Not a Good Look

After the previous blog, I got to thinking that it's not really fair for me to single out men for some of their boneheadedness. I need to be an equal an equal opportunity hater.  Women do dumb shit, too.  As a woman, I wish I could say that I understood the reasoning behind some of our behaviors, but. . .  I just don't.  So don't feel too bad, men, when your lady does something that you just don't get.  There's a good chance that she doesn't really know either.  Unfortunately, we have a tendency to do things just because other women do them.  Apparently, some of us have a little lemming DNA in our genetic makeup.  I've heard it can be partially deactivated with shock aversion therapy.  All except the gene that controls compulsive designer shoe shopping.  That instinct harks back to when our  ape ancestors gathered stilettos in the wild. It's here to stay.

Speaking of shoes, one thing I don't get in regards to some of our shoes is the addition of heels to shoes meant to serve a practical purpose.  I mean, designers put high heels on any and every damned thing these days.  Sneakers, hiking boots, snow boots : these are not shoes that are meant to have heels or wedges on them.  They are dumb with a capital what-the-fuck-is-wrong-with-you "D". The whole point of them is to have traction.  Last time I checked, you don't really get good traction with a five-inch heel. Yet, every winter, I see women out with these wedge snow boots skating Wile E. Coyote style into trees because their boots don't grip.

First, a lot of these boots are just ridiculous looking. Aside from the wedge, there's fur and tassels and fringe and beads and whatever hell else can be stuck these things.  I don't know about anyone else, but I got over liking stickers and rhinestones and shit on my shoes when I was four.  Second, anyone that goes out in a foot of snow and ice in a shoe with anything higher than a 1-inch heel deserves to whatever happens to her out there.  I'm sure you'll look very sexy in a full body cast.                    

Another issue, ladies: makeup. If you look like Little Richard, you are wearing too much.  Also, glittery makeup should not be worn by anyone over 20. . .  unless they're in the circus. Don't get me wrong. I like makeup (if you've seen my pictures, you know that I really like it). Just not when it's been applied with a paint sprayer.  And I'm pretty sure that men don't like it when their lady looks like a mime either.

In a similar vein, the whole eyebrow thing where you shave it off and then draw on some more or pluck them to the point where you look like Cookie from The Bozo Show. . .   What is that about?  Who started that?  We need to find this person and take away their razor and tweezers.  This look is not for everyone (hell, it probably isn't for anyone).  Ladies, we need to stop doing things because we see other women doing them for this very reason.  I mean, what's next?  If your bff shaves a plug of hair out of the middle of her head, are you going to do that too?  In fact, I think I'll start an Internet rumor that this is the hot trend for next spring.  I bet I'd get a least a few takers.

One other thing that women do that just astounds me: flocking around one man like a bunch of pigs at a trough.  Seeing this phenomenon makes me cringe. I don't care how good looking a man is. That is really thirsty  behavior.  Am I saying that it's wrong to approach a man? Not at all.  But have some dignity.  This scenario is going to lead to nothing but unhealthy competition between the women engaging in it.  Every time I observe it, I hear this in my head.  If it's gonna be all that, let's just skip the formalities and start slapping bitches.  I also have to question the integrity and intention of any man that entertains this sort of behavior.  Is it flattering?  Well, is an abandoned briefcase full of money finders keeps (The answer to both of those questions is "yes")?

Look, I know that some men like that herd mentality in a woman.  After all, you never see a cow demanding that a bull man up and take care of his responsibilities.  But do you ever stop to think who else these chicks might be flocking around when you're not there, men? There's easier ways to get on Maury Povich.

And ladies, you deserve a man that's going to focus on you and you alone. Don't sell yourself short because a guy has a nice smile.  You'll be treated the way you allow people to treat you.  This is the wrong foot to start off on.

Third no-no (and this one is really for everyone): Don't leave the house in your pajamas.  Now, I don't know when exactly this became mainstream, but  I have seen waaaaay too many women out and about in what is obviously sleepwear.  Let's make no bones about it: this is tacky.  It just is.  And it's not like girls are stepping out in sexy satin numbers either.  They are rolling out in plaid pajamas bottoms and a wife beater.  Obviously, there's nothing wrong with sleeping in this.  That pairing is one of my favorite boudoir ensembles (which could be one reason why I'm single, but that's another blog) .  But going to the grocery store or class in that outfit with some mystery brown stain on the crotch. . . . Not happening. At least not with me.  Mostly because I could pretty much guarantee that I would meet the man of my dreams while wearing sock monkey sleep pants.

Cliff notes version: going to the mailbox in pjs = acceptable. Going to the public library in pjs = unacceptable. I mean, no one is asking anyone to get all gussied up to run an errand.  Just put some damned clothes on.